Cardinal's Hat                   Lady Windermere's Fan          Rosebud                    Pyramid                  Clown's Hat               Goblet Fan              Bird of Paradise            
                         Top                                                 Top                                    Top                        Front Point              Lower Point              Hold the glass                 Top                                            

Place your napkin on your lap, completely unfolded if it is a small luncheon napkin, or in half diagonally, across your lap point at your knees, if it is a large dinner napkin. Never tuck the napkin into any part of your clothing or remove it during the meal, unless you are called upon to stand for a toast.  In that case, fold your napkin neatly and place it to the left of your plate before standing, and do not forget to return it to your lap when retaking your seat.  After a toast is the only time a lady would remove her napkin from the table herself and replace it on her lap.  Typically, you want to put your napkin on your lap soon after sitting down at the table (but follow your host's lead). The napkin remains on your lap throughout the meal and should you need to, and after each course without fail, it should be used to gently blot your mouth. 

Never wipe your silverware with your napkin.  If you should drop a utensil, or one is not absolutely clean, call a waiter or server to assist you and have it replaced. If you need to leave the table during the meal, fold your napkin twice and place it over the back of your chair.

The host will signal the end of the meal by placing his or her napkin on the table. Once the meal is over, you too should place your napkin neatly folded on the table to the left of your plate.

Calling a waiter while you are seated at the table.

Only call a waiter or server to help you during a formal function if you absolutely have to and, an escorted lady should never do so; she should instead ask her escort to do it for her. Never use your voice unless there is absolutely no other way, and if that is the case use only the words "Excuse me" to attract the waiter's attention.  Normally, if the waiter's have had professional training they will have been trained to watch the guests like hawks to ensure that they are able to respond almost before they are summoned. Therefore, all one usually has to do is to gain eye contact with the waiter and raise one's hand to just below shoulder height and nod, indicating that you need service by crooking your fingers into your palm to beckon the waiter to come to you.  When the waiter arrives, quietly voice your request so that no-one else at the table is disturbed in any way whatsoever.  Never overtly call a waiter in a loud voice during a formal function, and unless there is an earthquake, riot or a fire, never leave your seat from the moment the event begins until the host informs you that it has reached its' end.  

If for some reason a gentleman's escort should need to leave the room, he must escort her out of the room and escort her back when she returns, repeating helping her with her chair and handing her her napkin, etc. However, if the gentleman must leave the room during the event the lady should remain in her seat until he returns.  If he actually needs medical attention, or anything else for that matter, the staff will assist him, and if there is no way for him to return then they will obviously come and get her.

Ordering from the Menu

At most formal and business dining functions the menu is chosen well in advance.  It helps if you can find out what will be served before the event.  If you have religious or dietary reasons for not wishing to eat what is on the formal menu, either inform the organizers well in advance of the function, or quietly request an alternative from the maitre d', the Captain, or one of the waiters before the event begins, if you can.  

On those rare formal occasions where the guests are offered a choice, or if you are dining privately in a restaurant as someone's guest, and you need to order, the following advice may help. If, after looking over the menu, there are items you are uncertain about, ask your waiter any questions you may have. Answering your questions is part of the waiter's job. It is better to find out before you order, that a dish might be prepared with something you do not like, or are allergic to, or is excessively spicy, than to spend the entire meal picking tentatively at your food.  

Some restaurants produce their menus in foreign languages to appear more special than they actually are, if such a menu is handed to you, ask for an English Language menu from your waiter, or make sure you get a complete description in English as to what the options are.  If you are dining in a foreign country take the advice, and never be shy to ask for it, from anyone in your party who speaks the language the menu is written in.  False modesty or shyness, could embarrass your host and destroy the entire event for you, as you always need to know exactly what you will be eating. 

If you are eating in a private restaurant with business associates it is polite for the higher ranking persons in your party to suggest that your order be taken first; and his or her order be taken last, however not all business hosts have the education to know this, so it is always polite to remain quiet until the situation has been established. If there are prices on the menu choose something in the mid-price range and never, never, ask someone who has invited you to eat with them if it would be alright for you to choose a particular and expensive item on the menu, for it implies that they cannot afford it.  Sometimes, however, the server will decide how the ordering will proceed, especially if he or she realizes that the host is inexperienced in such matters. Usually, women's orders are taken before men's and should the server forget this it is polite to suggest to the server that the ladies in your party order first, should your host be unaware of this rule of etiquette.  It costs you nothing to be a gentleman.

As a guest, to be polite you should never order the most expensive items on the menu, or more than two courses, unless your host indicates that it is all right for you to do so. If the host says, "I'm going to try the peaches flambé; why don't you try dessert too," or "The prime rib is the specialty here; I think you'd enjoy it," then it is all right, in fact it would be polite to order it, if you would like to, even if it is the most expensive item on the menu.

Knowing which silverware to use.

Once upon a time every good education would include the knowledge of how to act as a Lady or as a Gentleman in a formal setting, but today the rise of political correctness has overtaken the cause of good manners.  So young adults moving into the business world today do so with little or no training upon how to act at a formal occasion or function. Perhaps the most daunting thing for a young professional to face as business progression leads him or her into such formal occasions is to look down at a collection of silverware for a seven course dinner, or even a four course luncheon and be seeing some of the pieces for the first time in their lives. Yet choosing the correct silverware from the variety in front of you is really not as difficult as it may at first appear, if you know the basic approach to laying a table. 

If you are left handed, you should changed your cutlery pieces from one hand to the other beneath the table.

You should also always remember that elbows can be very destructive weapons, so always try to keep your elbows as close to your torso as possible while you are eating; but not to the point where eating becomes a form of constrictive torture.

The golden rule is "from the outside in" or, if in doubt, just copy what the older or more senior people at your table do.  Otherwise, starting with the knife, fork, or spoon that is farthest from your plate, work your way in, using a new utensil or set of them, for each course.  Americans I have noticed most often only use the salad fork to eat their salad, thereby ignoring the salad knife which most American restaurants and hotels still lay beside their plate.  Obviously there is nothing wrong with this if it is your preference; however, when you have finished eating your salad it shows knowledge to lay the salad knife upon the plate beside the fork to signal to the waiter that you have finished.

At a four course formal dinner, your soup spoon will be on your outermost right, followed by your salad knife, a fish knife and then the dinner knife. Your salad fork will be on your outermost left, then your fish fork and your dinner fork will be nearest your plate.  Your dessert spoon and fork will usually be laid above your plate in America or brought out with the dessert.  In Europe at the better establishments and at State Functions your desert spoon and fork will actually be laid on either side, and nearest to, your plate.  Sometimes a butter knife will be laid to the right of your plate, (it is a small knife with a rounded, dull blade), but normally today it is placed upon your side plate. However, if you remember the rule to work from the outside in, or to watch what the more experienced people at your table are doing, you will be fine.

There are two ways to use a knife and fork to cut and eat your food. They are the American style and the European style. In most situations either style is considered appropriate. Some forty years ago to see an American using the European style usually meant he or she was brought up in a "good" family, or had attended one of the Ivy League Universities, or was just well traveled. 

In the American style, one cuts the food by holding the knife in the right hand and the fork in the left hand with the fork tines holding the food to the plate. The right method is to cut a few bite-size pieces of food, then lay your knife across the top edge of your plate with the sharp edge of the blade facing inwards and towards you. Then change your fork from your left hand into your right hand to eat, with the fork tines facing up. (If you are left-handed, keep your fork in your left hand, tines facing up.) 

The European style is the same as the American style in that you cut your meat by holding your knife in your right hand with your forefinger pressed on the back of the blade, while securing your food with your fork held tines down in your left hand. Your fork remains in your left hand however, and good manners dictate that at all times the tines must be facing down.  The knife must always stay in your right hand, and not be put down while eating, except when you need your right hand to lift your wine glass.  The food is then either taken by pushing the fork into it, or by pushing the food onto the back of the fork with your knife.  The fork is never used in a shoveling motion in the European style as it often is in the American style. 

The Secret of a Formal Place Setting

Most writers of etiquette books and teachers of courses on the subject agree that many people are afraid that they will fail to choose the proper utensil for the appropriate stage of the meal and therefore are unable to ever fully enjoy the splendor of formal functions, or in some cases they will actually make excuses so that they can get out of attending them altogether. 

Many books provide reassurance by just saying, as I have above: use the outermost utensil or utensils, as necessary, one set for each course, and you can't go wrong (unless the table has been improperly laid to start out with). But if you get invited to a State Affair or a Traditional Dinner & Ball things can get a little difficult for the newcomer who does not understand that each "special" course can also have its own "special" utensil, so for those occasions you will need to understand the nuances of a full formal place setting.  My grandmother delighted in eight course Victorian dinners and had the silverware laid as if everyone would know its use as well as she did.  Mind you she was born in the early 1870's and grew up during the height of Victorian Elegance. The thing is that you will always receive exactly as much silverware as you will need, arranged or delivered in precisely the right order.

Good etiquette does not only apply to the guest, it also assumes that the host has some understanding of the rules also (this ought to calm most of your worries) and has therefore had correctly assigned each utensil to its task. As each course is finished, the silverware will be removed with the dish, leaving you with a clean slate, all ready for the next item to arrive. In some cases there is not the room for ranks of forks and knives at the sides of the plate, (especially at fund raisers I have noticed, where they are trying to get as many people in the room as humanly possible without losing some guests to claustrophobia or asphyxiation), so on some occasions where more than three or four courses are planned, new silverware may be brought to you as the special courses are served.

If this happens it is probable that the waiter will place the right spoon or fork for any specialized dish upon the right hand side of the plate as it is served.  If you are left handed you would pick up any single utensil laid to the right of your plate with your right hand and then pass it into your left hand to be able to eat.

A Traditional Formal Dinner

The traditional place setting for a full ten course formal dinner in the dressant de l'Anglais manner, would be as follows:

Bread:

The Butter knife would be set on the extreme right side of your plate or laid across the bread plate.

1st Course - Scalded Oysters in the Shell:

An Oyster fork laid inside of the Butter knife, tines up, although often (at Presidential, Mayoral or Royal  Dinners) it will be laid in the bowl of the Cream Soup spoon

2nd Course - Cream of Tomato Soup:

A Cream Soup spoon laid inside of the Butter knife or at the far right of your place setting..

3rd Course - Mandarin Vinaigrette Salad with Goat Cheese medallions and Pine Nuts  

A Salad knife laid inside of the Soup spoon on the right & a Salad fork laid on the extreme outside left of your plate.

4th Course - Pâté de Foie Gras with pickles & fingers of toast:

A small Butter or Pâté knife will be laid inside of the Salad Knife on the right & a Pickle fork laid inside of the Salad fork to the left of your plate.

5th Course - Fillet de Sole Victoria

A Fish knife laid inside of the Pâté knife on your right & a Fish fork laid inside the Pickle fork to the left of your plate.

6th Course - Roast Beef & Yorkshire Pudding, asparagus, buttered carrots, garden peas, steamed baby white beans with oven-roasted Potatoes, served with a Windsor gravy & fresh horseradish sauce and English Mustard.

A Dinner knife laid inside of the Fish knife on your right & a Dinner fork laid inside the Fish fork to the left of your plate.

7th Course - Black Forest Cake with Crème de l'Anglais

A desert fork laid inside your Dinner fork.

8th Course - Assortment of Cheeses with pickles, onions and slices of cured spicy sausage.

A Cheese knife laid inside the Dinner knife on your right & a Pickle fork laid inside of your Dinner fork to the left of your plate.

9th Course - Fresh Peeled Fruit Slices and Summer Berries served in Kirsch Liqueur.

A Fruit knife laid next to your plate on the right & a Fruit fork laid next to your plate on the left.

10th Course - Raspberry & Lemon Sorbet

An Ice Cream Fork served with the dish.

For the average person today the above menu would appear to be just too much food to consume at one sitting; however, in Victorian times a formal dinner was a full evening's entertainment.  You would arrive shortly after 6pm and enjoy a glass of sherry with your host before being called to dinner at 7pm - and you would stay at the table until 10pm - with each course being separated from the next by polite conversation or story telling and bringing each other up to date on current affairs.

At 10pm the gentlemen would retire to the library for cognac and cigars and the ladies would withdraw to the drawing room; however I have never been able to find out exactly what they did there.

Forks

The forks that you will always use during a formal meal are laid to the left of your plate, tines up, handles nearest to you, with the first one you will need to use being laid to the extreme left of the set. But there are some exceptions such as the Oyster (Seafood) fork (see below)

The Place fork is a relatively recent American invention, an all-purpose fork, which is most often used at most formal functions also as the Dessert fork and will be laid above your plate with the tines upwards and facing right.

The Ice-Cream fork is usually brought to the table with the dish. It is used by taking it in your right hand, tines upwards, and you hold the dish each time you use it.  You eat ice-cream from the top, pushing the fork or spoon provided in half way and then twisting and lifting the portion removed directly to your mouth.  If water wafers are provided you lift them with your left hand to your mouth, and never use the wafers to scoop ice-cream from the dish.

When Oysters are served as an appetizer the Oyster fork, which is sometimes also called a Cocktail or Seafood fork, (or if the establishment does not have this particular utensil, it will be a small fork) should be laid angled into the soupspoon on the right of your plate.  This is the exception to the rule of placing non-Dessert forks to the left of the plate. In some hotels or catered events however, the staff laying the table may make the mistake of placing it as the first fork on the left.

Strange as it may seem, if you are served with a Prawn Cocktail where the Chef has used Giant or Jumbo prawns, it is not impolite to eat them with your fingers, and yet a cocktail fork will usually be provided.  However, there is a proper way to do this.  You should use only the forefinger and thumb of your right hand, the tail in your palm.  Dip the prawn in the sauce provided, wait until the excess sauce has drained off and then bring the meat to your mouth.  The tail shell should be deposited on the lower side of the plate nearest to you, and never "suck" on the tail shell before you discard it.  However the rule of thumb is that if the prawns are shorter than a lady's little finger you should use your cocktail fork.  Remember that most appetizers and main courses not de l'Anglais will be garnished (the plate decorated is what that often means today) and it is neither necessary, nor advisable most often, to eat the garnish.  I have of course experienced a great number of such silly mistakes in my time, but probably the most outrageous of them was having to sit watching a lady delicately eating the pansies used to decorate her dessert one evening.  The golden rule is, if you do not know what it is, do not eat it, unless everyone else at the table is doing so.

In the European style Meat, Salad, Fish, Pickle and Fruit forks (see illustration above) are held in the left hand with the tip of the forefinger pressing on the "shelf" at the base of the tines, tines down, and the fork should never be put down until you have finished the course, unless you need to wipe your mouth with your napkin occasionally, then you should place it, tines down, on the left of your plate.  One eats fruit in a formal setting the same way as one eats the meat course, and the knife and fork are held in the same manner.  

Cocktail, seafood, ice-cream and usually dessert forks (depending upon the dessert) are held in the right hand with the tines upwards and the food is lifted from the plate in a careful scooping motion, never fully filling the fork.

Oyster forks are held in the palm with the thumb firmly placed on the face of the handle, tines up.  Eating oysters at a formal dinner table is done by holding the shell firmly with your left hand and pushing the fork into the oyster meat and twisting it clockwise, in a digging motion, to lift the meat away from the shell.  In better restaurants the meat will have been separated from the shell before it is brought to you, so always check with your fork before you begin.  Sometimes oysters are served with a sauce, but most often are not.  If there is a sauce, the exception rules and you may dip the meat in the sauce, using the fork of course, before bringing it to your mouth.  Never bring the oyster shell up to your mouth and tip the oyster into your mouth at a formal function, the way you would at an oyster bar.  It is frowned upon.

Knives

The knives are laid, always with the sharp edge of the blade facing your plate, to the right of your plate with the first one you will need to use being laid to the extreme right of the set. The exception would be if the Butter knife was laid, rather than being placed upon your side plate.

Specialty Pieces

To use a Cheese knife you will hold it as you would a Dinner knife, but you use the center of the blade to cut, point downwards.  In better restaurants and at many formal functions cheese will be served upon a small square wooden cheese board. Having cut a small piece of cheese off of one of the small blocks on your plate, (or board) you turn the knife over in your hand to spear the cheese with the two prongs and then transfer it directly to your mouth. Although most people will use their fingers to lift gherkins, pickled onions, etc. to their mouths, it is not wrong to use the knife to also cut the gherkins, or other edible garnish, provided with the cheese and transfer the pieces to your mouth with the prongs of the knife.  The method is to place the portion on the prongs just into your mouth, then close your teeth behind it and pull it free. Obviously cut small pieces only.

Spoons

Bordeaux Goblet      Burgundy Balloon          Merlot Glass       Chardonnay Glass     Champagne Flute
 

If you are hosting an event outside of your home, ensure beforehand that the proper glasses will be provided by the establishment catering the event. Your reputation could be ruined if a restaurant served a Burgundy in a Merlot glass for example.

If you are hosting the event the Sommelier, or your waiter, will pour a little wine into your glass and wait for you to approve it, before having it served to your guests, ladies first of course.  Using the proper procedure to lift the glass (described below) swirl the (Red) wine around in the glass for a moment, lift it to about an inch below your nose and sniff it.  A "corked" (spoiled) bottle will have a tart, vinegar like smell.  Then you hold the glass up to the light to see if there is any sediment in it (meaning that it has not been properly decanted) or pieces of cork floating in it (if there are, reject it and ask for another bottle to be opened for you), and then finally you taste it by taking a small sip and "moving it" around in your mouth before swallowing it.  Spoiled Red wine has a acidic taste that you can not mistake. If the wine fails all of these tests, or one of them badly, you can refuse the bottle and request another without charge, either because the first bottle was badly decanted, had fragments of cork in it, or is "corked" (spoiled). 

With White wines the best way to decide if the wine is being served properly and is good enough for your guests, you should ask to be allowed to test the temperature of the bottle before the "tasting" is poured.  The waiter will hold the bottle towards you, label uppermost.  Lay the back of your fingers on the glass beneath the label.  It should be very cold. All White wines, with the exception of Dessert wines like Madeira, (which are usually served at room temperature), should be served very cold, even chilled. Then repeat the same procedure as you would use for "tasting" Red wines described above, but do not swirl the wine in the glass.  White wine is never "swirled", do so my friend and the Sommelier will know immediately that you are an amateur.

As you will be drinking your wine with your meal, remember that every time you put down your knife to be able to pick up the glass, you should place the knife on the right side of your plate, the handle towards you and the sharp edge of the blade facing inwards. 

The proper way to lift a glass that contains Red wine is to support it on your palm enclosed by your fingers, the stem of the glass between your middle and ring finger as you lift it.  This improves your ability to balance the glass and prevents you from spilling the wine. If you then gently swirl Red wine in the glass before bringing it to your mouth you will release the aroma of the wine and increase your enjoyment of it. 

The proper way to lift a glass that contains white wine is to place your fingers behind the bowl with your thumb pressed on the face, with your little finger held away from the glass to balance it.  The technique used to lift a glass of white wine works equally well when drinking from a champagne flute.

Toasting on formal occasions is done by lifting your glass to just below your shoulder level before repeating the words of the toast.  State, Royal or Military toasts are performed with your arm straight held away from your body, slightly raised, whereas "friendship", family and congratulatory toasts are made with your elbow bent and the glass held about twelve inches in front of your face.  In the case of the latter lift your glass about three inches higher as you repeat the toast before drinking.  

Clinking your glass against the glass of another guest, or suggesting to them that they do so with you, is not the proper thing to do.  In fact with high quality crystal glasses you risk breaking them by doing this.  Other guests may meet your request and oblige you, just to be polite and not embarrass you, but they will also know immediately that you are not often invited to formal functions.  

The simple rule is: you can offer to click a beer mug, or a stein, with that of someone you are drinking with, but with good wine glasses you are just risking the destruction of fine crystal and staining the linen tablecloth that has been handed down for generations if you are crass enough to do so.  Throwing glasses into a fireplace is a "nouveau riche" affectation and is never practiced by a true Lady or Gentleman, no matter what others may do. 

Never, ever, pick up a wine glass by the stem, in fact with really expensive crystal glasses you might actually shatter the stem by doing so.  Each time, after taking a sip from your glass, hold the wine within your mouth for a moment before swallowing, (never swig back wine) then return the glass, carefully, to its proper place, which is to the right of, and above, your plate.

When you have finished eating.

After each course you should lightly dab your mouth with your napkin and wipe the corners of your mouth, using your right hand to lift a corner only of the napkin to your face to do so.  

Never push your plate away from you when you are finished eating, or move it aside. Leave your plate where it is and it will be collected by your waiter.  

Never try to help your waiter, or attempt to hand him or her a plate that you have finished with, merely lean to one side (most often you will lean to the right for food to be served or taken away, and to the left when drinks are served or glasses are removed.  

The most common way to inform the waiter that you are finished with a course of the meal is to lay your fork and knife together across your plate. Place your knife and fork side by side, with the sharp side of the knife blade facing inward and the fork, tines up, to the left of the knife with both of the handles nearest to you. Make sure that they are placed so that they touch each other and that they will not slide off the plate as it is removed. 

Once you have used a piece of silverware, never place it back on the table. Do not leave a used spoon in a cup either; place it on the saucer. You also leave a soup spoon in a soup plate when you have finished eating, bowl facing upwards and with the handle again nearest to you. 

Any unused silverware is simply left on the table as it was originally laid.

After Dinner Drinks.

If you are asked if you want an after dinner drink remember one never mixes ice with Cognac, Port, Single Malt Scotch or Irish whiskey or any specially made or blended Liqueur to be taken as an after dinner libation.  A Balloon Cognac Snifter or Balloon Liqueur glass, is held in your palm with the stem between your middle and ring finger and once picked up is not put down, as the warmth from your palm will always improve the taste.  All other after dinner glasses are picked up thumb on the face, fingers behind, the bowl with the little finger held away from the glass - this is not a fashion statement, it actually helps balance the glass and helps you sip without slurping or spilling.  To recognize the shape of After Dinner or Liquor glasses see below:
                                                     

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